I was having a discussion with one of my colleagues and she brought up a great point about why my boss constantly tries to blame me for his incompetency.

The Class System.

According to my boss, I am beneath him. Anything that goes wrong in his professional life is MY fault because I am not educated enough to make the correct decision. Now, don't get me wrong. I still love my job and love this company, but please don't blame me when you lack common sense. I have a laundry list of issues that have occurred in the past month that could have been avoided if he used his common sense. But just so he doesn't waste any more brain power...because honestly getting that first class seat on American Airlines is way more important than arriving on time to a meeting...he'd rather just sit on it and blame me for the smelly results in the end. Wonderful life, isn't it?

But unfortunately I am already use to that type of behavior. I have been someones secretary for over five years. Those types of attitudes just do not surprise me anymore. There was one time where I directed an after school care program. I had about ten employees under me and countless students that I supervised. Never ONCE did I ever talk down to an employee or cast blame on them. I knew that if something went wrong it was my responsibility to run an organized ship, therefore I am the only one to blame. I know that my employees are working for a reason. Usually these people work because they have bills to pay or mouths to feed, not because they are bored at home. Why then should I feel the need to batter them when all they want to do is keep their jobs? Sure, they may not have gotten their AA, or BA or even Masters Degree. Hell, they probably didn't even get a high school diploma, but they're working and making a living. Who am I to make them feel like less of a person?

Just because someone has an Ivy League diploma under their belt does not give them the right to walk around acting better than everyone else. Last time I checked people went to school to get an education to help better themselves and their community, not to get free upgrades and that exclusive reservation at that great new restaurant downtown.

It's a shame really. Land of the free or land of the class?

At least I know I'll die with some sort of dignity and a clear conscious because I know that at the end of the day my boss will be standing behind me at the grocery line. He'll be down the row from me at the opening night of that new movie, and he'll even possibly be buried in the same cemetery as I am. In a box. Underground or on a shelf. With the same certainty that we were granted when we were born; that one day we will all die no matter who we are, where we came from, what we know or how many free first class upgrades we got in life.

Here I am sitting at my new desk at my new (wonderful thus far) job smiling at my last entries. It's amazing to see how I've evolved in life and in my relationship. Three months ago I was complaining on how my boyfriend barely ever called and always canceled...and now he's the man of my freakin' dreams. He constantly calls just to say hello and he's always making plans for us. Just this past Friday we went to a belly dancing performance his friend was in, and not because it was his friend (because he'd rather stab himself in the eye than watch a three hour dance recital) but because he knew I'd love it. And I did! After I took his "Tell me when I screw up because I'm retarded" advice and told him how I felt he actually changed. I say that in a surprised tone because I use to voice my concerns just to get yelled at or thrown into an argument. Now I get results. What a concept!

He's also spontaneous and very driven. Just recently he got a job at a networking company doubling his income and is really into his schooling. He has a plan, and that plan now involves me.

He went from "I can't love someone so strongly anymore because of my past" to "I love you with every ounce of me". From "I'm so afraid of marriage I vomit at the mention of it" to "I want to marry you, not now at this moment but I do want to marry you". That's progress isn't it?

My family loves him (albeit his long hair and tattoos) and my friends adore him as he adores them. It's such a complete turn around to what I had before. Life is so great right now. I'm in love again.

More about my new job...I started here at Fidelity Investments back in February. I finally left that shithole of a job that wasted my time and efforts. I make double my income and all of my coworkers and bosses are amazing. I actually traveled to Boston to meet the rest of my team and take a look around the company and loved every minute of it! That's about it for now. More updates as they come.

Also, I still talk to my Ex. I know I know, I'm retarded. But I have good reason. See, he was in my life for six years so he knows me better than anyone really. But in reality every time I talk to him or every time I see him I realize how good I have it right now. I realize that he did me quite possibly the biggest favor anyone could have ever done. He inadvertently helped me meet Uni. He helped me find real happiness. So there, there's my reason. Take it or leave it.

More to come...

It's funny to go back to what you wrote previously and see how either a. you were completely insane at the time or b. you had all the logic in the world to write that and hey, you're damn witty.

Said boyfriend seems to be shaping up. We really had it out last weekend when he decided not to call me for a full day and a half. Well, more like I yelled at him because he didn't think anything was wrong with that. He understood where I was coming from and said he'd change his behavior. I took it as a, "Sure, whatever you say buddy - I'll talk to you next week." But he really has been making an effort. Now, I hope I'm not jinxing myself, which I probably am, but I'm actually happy. For once I feel as if I finally have a damn boyfriend. Let's just hope this behavior remains constant.

So far so good.

Relationships are just so hard. You think things are going great when all of a sudden things swirl out of control. I guess you can say that relationships are full of constant struggles and obstacles that you need to overcome. Once you overcome those you find that companionship and love you've always wanted. OR maybe relationships shouldn't have to be so hard. Maybe they should come as naturally as breathing.

Or maybe I need a Zanax.

For once I'd like to know what the hell is going on with relationships these days. I would like to know what's going on with my "relationship".

This is going to be your typical rant entry so bare/bear/large fuzzy creature with me. Great.

So. I dated this one guy who ended up being one of the biggest assholes on the planet for about six years, so that obviously didn't work out. Then I decided to take a higher route and date the biggest jerk known to man. Great step up, I know. Now mind you, the jerk I dated but never became offical with so I was basically single and mingling around for a year. A year EXACTLY.

On December 19th I became "official" with a man that I had been dating for a month and change prior. Things seemed to be going well. Only thing, he openly admitted he wasn't very good at the "relationship" thing. He had, in fact, been single for...well...around TWO years. But hey, we were doing great up until that point. I was actually feeling better about myself and put away the ol' "I'll never find anyone that I can relate to" noose. Then things started going downhill - well, maybe not downhill. That's a bit dramatic...it was more like that intense rollercoaster that people basically stand in front of for a good ten minutes before they decide to ride it and then feel sick to their stomachs after they get off. Yea. That's a better description.

Well first off, let me just go ahead and say that a telephone is not a black hole nor is it any kind of vortex what-so-ever. Giving someone a call on your way home from work, on the way to or from school, even when you find yourself completely bored off your arse isn't like running a marathon. It only takes a second, really, and oddly enough that second makes the other person feel very important and wanted. Is that so hard to comprehend? I mean really? Am I crazy? Don't answer that. That point made, said man seems to have his days where he's constantly calling me and then all of a sudden I don't hear from him unless I initiate the contact. "I'm not good at the phone call thing" reverberates in my head right now. How could I have been so dumb?

So. The sex is excellent. Didn't want to know that I know, but I had to justify my still being with him somehow. Also, when we do hang out we have great conversations and lots of laughs. He's just what I've been looking for, except he's almost emotionally retarded.

Now, maybe I'm taking it a bit to far. He is a little younger than I am, and I'm not the best person at communicating my displeasures over relationships. I'd rather keep my mouth shut than start an argument that I may loose. He probably has no idea that I'm so frustrated over this entire "relationship". I did have a talk with him after he basically cancelled on me for the third time and he expressed to me that he's "retarded" when it comes to realizing if I'm happy with him or not and that I should talk to him. Yea. Obviously I don't know how to do that since - well I've never done that before. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Either I tell him how I feel about him not taking the time out for me/us, how I feel as if I'M the only one making the plans to hang out and spend time, how I HATE it when he can't even afford me a single phone call throughout the day, and how I wish we were a normal affectionate couple or I keep my mouth shut and burn inside. And write extremely long ranting posts on live journal every three months.

And I know what you may be thinking:

-Why do you even bother with him?
-Why don't you just leave him?
-You can find someone better.
-Stop talking so much crap I have better things to do.

Well my answers are these:

-I could actually see a nice future (albeit possibly short) with him that will actually be great once he gets his head out of his ass.
-It's easier said than done, mainly because of the sex.
-I thought I could find someone better too, but a YEAR later I found this guy who thinks a phone is obviously made out of molten hot lava.
-Go screw yourself.

I really wish things could work out. I really do. Not because I just want to be with someone and feel that emotional wanting again, but because I really really do like him and enjoy his company. And after all the jerks and assholes I've dated in the past year, he's a breath of fresh air.

Before I end this...I'd like to point this out. Maybe it makes sense to you. After six years of being with someone just to be hurt in the end I put my walls up and sealed them with titanium. I refuse to let any man in and see the real me and what my relationships are capeable of. Maybe that's my problem here. Maybe since I don't want to give too much trust to him, talking to him about what I feel is revealing too much. It could quite possibly be a "damned if I do, damned if I don't situation" going on in my head. Ugh.

Did any of this make sense? Can anyone offer advice? I think I'm going to take that noose back out of the closet.

Lately I've been thinking about what my life is all about. Where has it come from, What has it come to, and who have I become?

( Read the rest here )

What do you do when nothing you say to a friend helps them get any better? What do you do when every effort you make to ensure someone's happiness goes to hell?

I've been trying to help a friend get through some tough times, but it seems as if nothing I say is making any difference. I tried to just listen for a while, but my opinion on the subject was needed. I didn't know what to say anymore. The "She's just not worth your tears" bit doesn't seem to be as effective anymore. I even tried the "Stop worrying about her happiness and start worrying about yours!" route and nothing.

I remember when I was going through my issues in January. I wanted everyone to help me because I couldn't stand up on my own two feet. My friends carried me for a while until I was able to walk on my own again, and for that I'll always be greatful. Now that it's my turn to do the same for one of those friends, I just don't know how to go about it. I try my best to ease the pain, but it's just so much more different than mine. I try to give them shortcuts to recovery...but I guess everyone needs to go down that road to feeling better again. The road that I wished I never walked on to begin with.

I guess healing comes with time. I just wish I knew what to do.

So. Life is finally good.

My friends are all amazing. The new friends I'm making are amazing. My family is amazing. The new man in my life is amazing...so far ;)

I really didn't think I'd have anything great happen to me this year, considering I began it alone for the first time in about seven or eight years. Slowly but surely I started reconnecting with my friends and family and saw the lighter side of life. I just started school up again, and even though sometimes I'd rather pull my own teeth than do statistics homework, I actually feel accomplished again at the end of the day.

Everyday for the past nine months has brought on a new experience, a new feeling. Sometimes I had days where I'd rather not even breathe, and others I couldn't wait to hop out of bed and experience life. Today I actually had the latter...which is strange considering it's Monday. And I hate my job. I guess I can attribute this new found euphoria to my day yesterday. I went to the Titanic Exhibit with Penn and learned something new...and somehow ended up in the most morbid gift shop ever established. Pictures to come soon. I then went to Dave & Busters with some friends to have drinks (how very grown up of me). Penn, Kat, Danny, Victor (that amazing man I discussed) and myself had a great time just drinking and eating the most unappetizing food ever created. By the end of the night it hit me, "Life is good". Finally.

So, this post is a general thank you to all of those people who helped me out and made me feel like a person again. My family, my friends from the past and the new ones. Thanks. Big thanks to especially: Kat, Danny, Penn, Meli, Augi, Giselle, and Marcos. Thanks for listening to me rave on and on, and thanks for making me laugh. One day when I win the lottery I SWEAR I'll buy each one of you a kinkajoo and you can each set it loose on Paris Hilton.

So, I have decided to delete my old account and start off fresh. I decided to do this only because reading past journal entries was starting to depress me.

Here's to a new life! One that I won't look back on and want to slit my own wrists over.